A heartbeat, a flicker line

Blogisphere, meet Bebe the Blueberry. Bebe the Blueberry, meet the blogisphere. Today was the most amazing day of my pregnancy thus far: I got to see my baby on the ultrasound screen. I can't even tell up from down or what is what, all I know is that tiny grayish smear inside the black sphere is my baby and it's the most beautiful grey smear I have ever seen ever. Isn't it? Shush, it is. You know it. Bebe is measuring exactly seven weeks, which means I was 4 days off in my estimations and my new due date is now January (Friday) 13, 2012. My sister, who was born on a Friday the 13th (and a full moon) is ecstatic. Interestingly enough, my January 9 estimated due date was on the Full Moon. Funny, huh? So I guess I wasn't THAT late when I was posting on Sundays. Ha! And Friday's are definitely easier for me to post on anyways. We can work with this. I still think his estimation is off. I've been tracking this long enough, I know around when things should have occurred.

But we didn't just get to see Bebe. We got to hear Bebe. It was really small so there was only one small area where our doctor could pick up the heartbeat but it was a nice and steady 150bpm (120-180 is considered normal). I started crying as soon as I heard it too. I know I cry with everything these days, but I have never been more relieved and happy in my life then that second I heard that woosh-woosh-woosh. While everyone around me is convinced I'm having a boy, my mom informed me that she is now positive I am having a girl. Apparently high heart rates are characteristic of girls and anything above 145bpm is considered high. I don't care if baby is a boy or a girl and I am perfectly content to wait until my mid pregnancy ultrasound to find out, but guessing is fun. I have been referring to Bebe as "she" whenever I don't think about being neutral, but I think that is less instinct and more coming from a family of girls and having female cats so I'm used to saying she. Boy or girl - I'll be thrilled! And I'll do whatever old wives tale there is just for fun because I love that shit and then exclaim excitedly whether their arbitrary guesses were right. It's a 50/50 chance either way.

Now, it wouldn't be my pregnancy if something wasn't off and dramatic. We found out why I was bleeding two weeks ago. Or the result of it, really. A subchorionic hematoma. It sounds super scary, I know. My doctor didn't even tell me the official name, he just said "blood clot." It's a pool of blood that surrounds the embryo from when it slightly detached from my uterine lining. Slightly is the big key word here because Bebe is definitely still attached and growing and going strong. My mom called one of the doctor's she works for who is pretty high up and asked him questions about it and apparently it's a very very good sign that Bebe's heartbeat is as strong as it is because apparently when the clot is really threatening and cutting off embryonic growth the heartbeat is the first thing to suffer. My doctor told me to take it super super easy for the next 3-4 weeks and it should dissipate by then. It's only about an inch so it isn't very large either. He also tripled my progesterone so I take it 1x in the morning and 2x at night. I have been released to go to my normal ob/gyn though! Her office was closed today so I'll try Tuesday. I should have frequent ultrasounds to ensure the heartbeat hasn't dropped and the embryo is growing over the next few weeks as well.

I'm doing good with riding my euphoric high right now and not be scared. I know these next three weeks are the most telling for me and I'm going to be really really really good. Because I heard my baby's heartbeat with my ears today, and I'm determined to feel it with my hand in January.

7 wks (2ds)

Look! I'm making progress on posting on time! I think this deserves epic celebrations. The 7th week has ushered in a whole host of pregnancy related complaints. Monday was exhaustion such as I have never had before (likely brought on by way way overexerting myself on Sunday) and I spent the entire day half awake on the couch watching mindless tv and dozing in and out of sleep. But that was nothing compared to Tuesday. The leg cramps! Oh lord. They laid me out all day on Tuesday. Just walking was painful so I waddled whenever I moved. And that wasn't all. My neck, my back, my boobs! Good lord did Tuesday make me miss my prescription strength ibuprofen. One site I read said the leg cramps could be due to low potassium, which is a real possibility since just the idea of any sort of fish makes me shudder and bananas and I are only friendly when they are baked in bread. I did, however, possess some dried apricots! Which are very high in potassium! The good news? No sign of leg cramps. The bad news? The worries of constipation began to seem like laughable concerns around midnight and into this afternoon. Oh dried fruit. I believe I have no more use for you. I even started to get a bit of nausea. Monday night had me sitting near the toilet wanting to be sick and not. But I am relatively sure that was the result of taking my prenatal without having eaten and then taking my progesterone (which is known to exacerbate symptoms). I felt a lot better after shoving some pretzels down my throat through. I already took my prenatal tonight so we'll see if I get nauseous tonight. THEN we'll know for sure!

On to baby updates! What's awesome is that Bebe's little hands and feet have started to form from those flipper buds! The only thing getting smaller is Bebe's tail which will become the bottom of it's tail bone, because Bebe has doubled in size from a 1/4 in. to a 1/2 in. and is now the size of a blueberry! This is fun because I LOVE blueberries and have celebrated by eating leftover blueberry pancakes Jason made me this weekend for the past few days. Blueberries for my little blueberry. Bebe's eyes already have a little color, and there are eyelid folds partially covering them. Bebe even has a nose tip and tiny veins beneath very thin skin. There's a liver, a pancreas and an appendix too! It's fascinating. I now have 2 of those organs in my body. The other set is just absurdly small.

In less than a day and a half and I will see my baby for the FIRST TIME! I'm so excited I can hardly stand it!! Excited and anxious and terrified and every other emotion under the sun. It's all I can think about and talk about and oh my god. I am just so ready to see that little blueberry moving and hear that racing heartbeat.

6 wks (6ds)

Late again! I could lie and say I was raptured but, well, no one was. I'm really no good with this on time posting things. Oh well. Leopards and spots and all those things. This week was my sixth week of pregnancy and aside from that horrible frustration earlier in the week Bebe didn't give me much trouble. No bleeding all week! Yay! This has cheered me greatly, as I have been looking for any sign of spotting ever since saturday. I've been (mostly) good with bed rest. And by mostly good I mean not that good. I've done dishes a few times and I've folded laundry and today Jason and I went to church and I walked around in heels. Yeah I suck at this staying still thing but I've been bouyed by the fact that Bebe seems to be a sticky little leech. A wonderful, amazing, beautiful tadpole of a leech. But now I'm good and my ass is firmly on the couch until we drive over to see Jason's family an hour away. Meanwhile Jason is winning Best Husband Ever award with flying colors because he's been making me dinner and he cleaned the kitchen yesterday and right now he's making the sweet potato fries we're bringing for dinner! Early this week he even made me a pie! Nothing says love quite like baked goods.

While Bebe has been healthy this week, I have not. I've had that horrid stuffed nose I've heard some pregnant women get and it's made sleeping a royal bitch. But what made it even worse? Friday morning I noticed my ear was a bit itchy and by Friday afternoon it was full blown pain. Quickest ear infection ever. Jason took me to the Walgreens clinic when he got home from work since they're open till 7pm and the NP declared not only did I have otitis externa (aka, swimmer's ear) but I ALSO had otitis media which is the middle

ear. Ugh. So much fun. Worse? It's my left ear. Why is this worse? Because it's hard to sleep on my right side right now so I've been sleeping on my left. Now I have to do some weird thing where I create a dugout for my ear with my hand and it's awkward to sleep. I haven't been sleeping well at all. Anyways, she put me on amoxicillin, which is a Class B drug so it's safe for Bebe, and prescribed ear drops that have some sort of steroid in it so she had to call my Dr and get permission to give it to me but it's fine since it's just drops and not oral medication. Such a head ache. I'm also taking tylenol pretty regularly because OH MY GOD does it hurt. It's the only way I manage to get any sleep at all. I also have to walk around with a piece of tissue in my ear because air makes it hurt even worse. So now my daily medicine regime is Ear drops 3 times a day, Tylenol every 6 hours, Amoxicillin 3 times a day, Progesterone 1 time a day before bed, and my Prenatal 1 time a day with dinner. I feel like I should have a pill box.

This week Bebe is the size of a sweet pea! Not to be mistaken for the size of Sweet Pea, our cat (see image). Though at one point this week I did put the cat under my shirt and go "Hey honey! The baby is the actual size of Sweet Pea!" This confusion has certainly made for some fun jokes this week. Things like: "Sweet Pea loves you! Both the feline and the fetus!" You can imagine. Another site compared Bebe to a lentil but that just wasn't anywhere as fun as a sweet pea. Our little sweet pea (fetus) is about 1/4 of an inch long! It has little buds for it's adorable arms and legs, and it's little heart is beating 100 to 160 beats per minute! I get to hear that heart in LESS THAN A WEEK! I'm so excited. Bebe's intestines are developing, blood is coursing through it's tadpole like body and the tissue that will be it's lungs has appeared! As for mommy, I am still craving ice cream, though I haven't made Jason take me out for any. I had a craving for doughnuts for three days before I finally had it satisfied before church this morning. I have noticed an aversion to fish. Jason made salmon dip and the smell of it makes me want to gag (want to, but not actually). Still no nausea! Even with the fish! I do have back aches and sleeping is always interrupted by my stuffy nose or absurdly colorful and vivid dreams. I think last night's had something to do with me going to prom in a maternity t-shirt. I also cry. At everything. Almost every single tv show had me crying. Vampire Diaries, Glee (which I didn't even LIKE), Michael leaving the Office, How I Met Your Mother (I'm also convinced Marshall and Lily are based off Jason and I this season. Minus the father dying. Because they started trying for kids around when we did! And right when we got pregnant Jason went 'Marshall and Lily have to get pregnant now, since we parallel them' and, sure enough, what happened in the Season Finale? I rest my case), it's absurd. I just cry. A lot. Oh hormones.

5 days till we see Bebe for the first time! It still hasn't really sunk in to either of us yet that we're having a baby, but I'm sure the first sonogram will really drive it home!

Frustrated

So I've found it uncomfortable to lay on my right side for a couple weeks now. That's not new. What's new is this morning it was down right hurting to lay on my right side. And then today every time I would stand up to get a drink or use the bathroom I started getting this sharp pain in my right side and it only dissipated when I sat down. After Saturday's scare I'm, naturally, really really jumpy about anything that doesn't feel right. Or normal. And this didn't. I mean, it shouldn't hurt every time I move right?

So I called my Doctor at around 11:30am and left a message for the nurse who finally called me back at 4pm and said it was just a cyst on my overay that was nourishing my baby and apparently it sometimes causes discomfort. And I tried to stress that it was slightly more than discomfort but she was just all "We'll see you for your scheduled ultrasound" and I just wanted to be all "Bitch, I'm not trying to get an early ultrasound, I'm paranoid that something is wrong!" but I didn't because I feel like I'd quickly get blacklisted if I did.

It is probably just this damn cyst thing or whatever. But I'm tired of sitting on the couch and I really want to make pie. Or brownies. I want to make brownies. And I want to make them without being in pain or worrying that my baby is going to fall out.

5 wks (6ds)

Hey look! It's a 5 week entry 6 days late. But the POINT is that I am writing a 5wk 6dy entry! I woke up and there was no bleeding! It had tapered off through the day and by the time I went to bed it had been really light. Thank God! I don't think I have ever prayed so much in my life. Mom told me this is only the beginning of the worry this baby will put me through when it's older. I'm totally okay with that, because it means this baby will actually BE here for me to worry over! I've been ordered to stay off my feet again today and to avoid any lifting, bending or straining. This means poor Jason has to do my chores on top of his and work and I feel bad about that since he's already stressed out enough as it is. But he told me to stop apologizing. I'll have to figure out what chores I can do and what I need him to help with.

In non-terrifying news: I'm +2 lbs. I'm still not nauseous! I pee like every hour which is incredibly annoying, and my boobs hurt. I have the boring yet delicious craving of ice cream. OMG, I could live on ice cream these days. I am pretty sure my ice cream cravings are due to my lack of calcium. I hate milk. Hate hate HATE it. It doesn't help that milk disagrees with me most of the time too. But I hate the taste and I hate the smell (yes it has a smell dammit). I adore soymilk, but if I have it more than once a week I break out in hives. So I don't have a lot of dairy. I do love cheese! But I don't mind ice cream cravings. I also had a bout of time where I needed chicken wings. Shush I'm serious. Sweet wings, not spicy. Jason made me a ton of honey garlic chicken wings last week and I was a very happy girl.

This week Bebe is (was?) the size of an appleseed! It's starting to develop all its little organs and will soon look like a tadpole (if it doesn't already - I'm late, I know). This little baby is a fighter already, I can tell. I mean it managed to implant when no other egg before it had and even though my body is like, trying not to be pregnant this little bugger isn't letting go. I appreciate it. And I'm praying it keeps that stamina for the next eight months.

Good lord, I have only known I was pregnant for a week and 2 days. IDK how I'm going to handle the next 35 weeks if they're all this dramatic.

Bad baby, go to your womb

Despite being 5wks5dy, I was going to do my little 5wk update today. I was sick the past couple days with a ridiculous cold and my iPod broke so I needed Jason's phone for the camera and yadda yadda yadda. But I'm not going to do it today either. I can't. I'm on Doctor ordered bed rest.

I debated writing this entry, but in the end decided I should because this IS an account of my pregnancy and this is part of it. So around 2-ish I was making myself some rice and pork for lunch when I felt something a bit odd and noticed I was bleeding. Naturally my first reaction is to sob hysterically and call my mom as she is my go to for all my medical questions and general insecurities (hi mom). So I'm in the bathroom and bleeding and sobbing and she's asking me questions and eventually I have her call Jason, who had gone into work today, because I knew if I called him as hysterical as I was it would probably be worse. I'm trying to focus and explain the color and the consistency and the amount of blood but all I can think is "I'm bleeding. I'm pregnant and I'm bleeding."

Eventually I get off the phone with her and with Jason who called me from the road and call the emergency line at my Doctor's (since they're closed on weekends). I give the nice boy on the other end my name and my doctor's name and am like "I'm almost 6 weeks pregnant and I'm bleeding" and he pages the doctor's. I get off the phone to wait and immediately Jason calls and goes "I just called our doctor's emergency line and they're going to page him" and I couldn't help but laugh because our poor doctor was going to get pages from both of us. My husband is sweet, he called because he didn't want to make me do it with how badly I was crying.

I get a call back from one of the doctor's at the practice (they have 5 doctors) and I explain that I'm having moderate bleeding, no cramps, am almost 6 weeks and I'm on 300mg of progesterone suppositories 1x a night. He tells me to immediately get off my feet, put in another suppository, and call first thing in the morning. I'm not passing any clots or tissue and I'm not cramping so right now he's confident everything will continue on as normal. Which is good! Positivity!

So now I am laying on the couch with my feet propped up and keeping track of how many pads I go through. Right now I'm on my second one. I'm talking to both God and the baby. I've informed Bebe that it is to stop misbehaving right now. It is grounded and not allowed to come out of it's womb for the next 8 months. Bad Bebe.

And here I was, hoping I'd have a nice normal pregnancy to counteract the absurdity it took to get pregnant in the first place.

Great news and alright news

At 7am I had my second Doctor's appointment. This one was another blood test to check my hCg levels and progesterone. Then Jason went to work and I went to bed! But I kept waking up every hour checking my phone obsessively. It wasn't until almost 2pm that the nurse at my doctor's office called me. My hCg levels are awesome!! In the 1500s which means I'm definitely around the 5 week mark now. So yay!

However, my progesterone levels - while not drastic - are a little low. In the first trimester it should be 9-47ng/ml with an average of 12-20ng/ml between weeks 5 and 6 (see this for more information) and mine was 13. So it's on the low end of average. My doctor isn't overly concerned, but the nurse sort of mentioned progesterone supplements. WTF am I supposed to say to that? "No thanks. I'll take my chances. It's a fucking miracle I'm pregnant to begin with, let's just keep on rolling with it!" Ha. No. I asked her opinion and she said flat out "If you were my sister I would tell you to take them." So I told her to order them. Tomorrow I will have an order of progesterone suppositories delivered to the house for me to take. And here I thought being pregnant meant I could stop shoving things up my twat. Oh how naive! But they should give my progesterone levels a boost and if it helps prevent a miscarriage I'll shut up and stick anything I have to up there.

Ultrasound! Scheduled for May 27th at 11:30am 8:15am! If I'm about 5 weeks right now that will make me almost 8 weeks for the ultrasound. A lot further a long then I thought I would be but that just means a much better chance of hearing a heartbeat! FIngers crossed. I know mine are.

Oh, symptoms. I'm still chronically exhausted. My boobs still hurt. I'm still sporting those achey cramps that prevent me from sleeping on my right side. Still hungry. Peeing like I'm made of water. Still no nausea. Still knocking on wood. Unless nausea is a good sign. I read somewhere once that the more intense the morning sickness the healthier the baby. Is my lack of morning sickness tied to my lower progesterone levels? If that's the case, can I please vomit already?!

Very Pregnant!

So today I went to the doctor's to get my blood test! I could barely sleep last night and despite falling asleep at 1am I woke up at 5:25am and finally at 6:20am I got up and did some prenatal yoga. Yes. I am that woman. Anyways we were out of the house at 8am and off to the doctor! Since we've been seeing a fertility specialist to get pregnant they want to make sure everything is progressing as it should before they release me to my OB for the remainder of my pregnancy, so that's where I went today. We paid the additional fee to have our labs done in the office and given back this afternoon. Please. Do I seem like a woman with patience? I'm not. I've waited long enough for this pregnancy.

I got a call a couple hours after leaving the office - in the middle of a much needed nap - and the girl on the other end informed me that I was "VERY pregnant!" and I was full awake from my nap! After a bunch of "REALLY? REALLY!" on my end she told me that anything under 5 mIU/ml of hCg is considered negative and I had over 200 which puts me firmly in the 4 week category (see THIS for reference) just like I thought! I have to go back on Monday for another blood test to ensure that my hCg has increased by at least 66% to ensure that the embryo is continuing to grow and develop. Pending the results of THAT test I will have an ultrasound in 2 weeks (so between May 23-27) where they will check fetal growth and I will get to hear a HEARTBEAT. Yes. You read that right. HEARTBEAT. At 67.5 weeks! I guess infertility treatment is a good way to speed up the milestone appointments!

After I get to the heartbeat appointment - and if the Doctor is satisfied with Bebe's development - I will have fond farewell's bid to me and be sent off to my OB/GYN for the remainder of my pregnancy. Yay for plans! Yay for being very pregnant!

Today, symptom wise, I am exhausted. Though considering my sleep last night? Not surprised. I also have some low achey cramps which my paranoia that something is wrong has led me to research in order to find out it is my uterus beginning to stretch to prepare for Bebe. Strangely, sleeping on my right side is super uncomfortable and so I'm resigned to sleeping on my left. I am definitely noticing an increase in peeing but I also attribute this to me increasing my fluid intake. No morning sickness yet! I'm sort of anticipating it in the same way you anxiously anticipate finals. You don't want to go through it, but you know you have to, so let's just prepare and get it over with.

4 wks (3ds)

So I decided a long time ago that I was going to do belly shots. Mostly because I love looking at people's belly progressions, but also because I'm curious as to how mine will be. But I also decided that I'm going to wear the same outfit in my belly pics just so that I can see how drastic the progression is. After combing through my wardrobe I decided on this red maxi dress because it leaves plenty of room to grow all around it. And it's comfortable so you can't beat that.

A lot more people know right now then I thought we would tell this early, but Jason and I are notoriously unable to keep good news to ourselves. Fortunately, everyone who DOES know are people that we would rely on should something go wrong (I just knocked on wood right now because I feel uncomfortable even writing that. HAPPY THOUGHTS HAPPY THOUGHTS). I think the hard part is relying on OTHER people to keep it to themselves since I'm not sure that's going to happen. Secrets? Let's just say I would not be surprised that when the three month mark comes and I announce it everyone's reactions will be "oh I'm allowed to know now?"

At four weeks I am 125 lbs. (starting weight) and the possible symptoms include the following:
Tender/swollen breasts - this is a big one for me right now. I don't even want to touch them, they hurt! Getting up fast hurts, moving fast hurts. I was at Universal Studios Sunday (oh so glad I went out of theme parks in style) and I wanted to cry on the Hulk my boobs hurt so badly. They also do appear a little bit bigger. If I squint and turn my head.
Fatigue - Another thing I have in spades. I normally don't want to wake up in the morning, but these days it's tenfold. And an hour after I'm awake I want to go back to bed and hibernate. It's absurd and annoying, especially since I have a lot of chores to do right now (I'm on day 3 of laundry since... I never seem to finish it). At least I'm able to sleep, which is something that has never come easily to me before.
Mood Swings - Check. Check. CHECK. I felt like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde earlier this week, switching between feeling great and then Miss Bitch the next. Poor Jason was counting down the days to my period so it would stop. Now he is counting down to January.
Bleeding and cramping - The main reason I didn't think I was pregnant is because I have been cramping. I actually started cramping on the 24th of April and was like "oh maybe it's coming early" and I'm still cramping a bit today too. On the 2nd I noticed not quite blood but a faint brownish discharge (like old blood) but it was gone by the next day. That's when I started to get a little "I wonder if..."
Nausea and heightened sense of smell - Not quite. I'm a little queasy sometimes but nowhere near feeling like I am going to hurl. And I don't have a heightened sense of smell either. I was cutting up onions and garlic yesterday and feeling just peachy. I'm told to give it time though, it's still early.
Food aversions and cravings - No aversions yet but last night I was craving ice cream like it was going to save my life. I almost finished a Gotta Have It and I'm not much for dairy.
Frequent urination - A little? I normally have a bladder of steel. Like I only pee two or three times a day. So now maybe I'm peeing a little more? But nothing super drastic. Maybe just more normally.
Bloating - Nope! Unbloated and grateful.

Bebe, as we have taken to calling the embryo (derived from BB meaning Baby Beck. BB is also shorthand for baby, go figure) is now about the size of a poppy seed! It's hard to imagine something that tiny will become a whole baby! Bebe has burrowed into my uterine lining and split into two parts: one becoming the placenta and one gearing up to become the newest Beck. The amniotic sac is forming, as is the yolk sac that will one day be Bebe's digestive track! Bebe also has three distinct layers: the inner layer, the endoderm, will be the digestive track (with help from the yolk sac), liver and lungs; the middle layer, or mesoderm, will be Bebe's heart, sex organs, bones, kidneys, and muscles; and the outer layer, aka ectoderm, will be responsible for the organs and tissues, including the nervous system, hair, skin, and eyes.

Tomorrow at 8:45am is our first doctor's appointment so I'll come back then!

May The Fourth Be With You

After half a year of "if it happens it happens" and a year of actually trying and several doctors, Jason and I had decided not to try during the month of April. We had an appointment in May and I wanted to enjoy my cousin's wedding and it was just going to be an "off" month for our stress levels. So when May 1st came and I didn't get my period I wasn't exactly suspicious. I've been a few days late before (and a week and a half late one memorable month) and I'd been feeling period symptoms for a week now in the form of cramps and sore/swollen breasts (not to mention the mood swings and the break outs) so I knew it was coming. But it didn't. And it didn't come on the 3rd either.

When you've been trying for this long you learn not to let yourself get too excited when you miss a few days. It inevitably ends up as Negative on your little pee stick. But I began to notice that I was unbelievably exhausted - I'd even taken a nap on the 1st, and I never nap. Today I had barely been able to clean the bathrooms since I was so tired. So my hopes? They were getting up. I told Jason and he compromised that if I hadn't gotten it by Friday I could take one since the amount of money I have wasted on pregnancy tests this past year and a half has been absurd. I agreed.

Around 8pm I decided I wanted ice cream. Nay! I NEEDED ice cream. So I convinced Jason to take me  to ColdStone and we walked around for a bit. On the way home I convinced him to stop at CVS so I could buy Pregnancy Tests with the promise that I'd wait till Friday! My promises? Apparently mean nothing. Since when we got home I read the boxes I had memorized a long long time ago and then declared I'd never sleep if I didn't take it. So I did.

Three minutes later I was expecting to have that familiar disheartening but sanity restoring moment of "Okay. One line. I'll calm down now." Instead? I went: "Jason. Jason there's two lines. There's TWO LINES!" and burst into tears. Jason snatched it up and stared at it with wide eyes before telling me to take the digital test I'd gotten in the event that I needed a back up test. So I took it and I didn't even wait the full three minutes. In under a minute it popped up 'pregnant' and I cried and Jason was wide eyed and we were freaking out.

After our moments of freaking out we took a picture of the digital test and texted it to our mothers. Would it have perhaps been better to wait till Sunday and given them 'Happy Grandmother's Day!' cards? Definitely. Do we have self restraint? Definitely not. So we exclaimed and freaked out with our parents and our sisters and then we kind of sat next to each other and went "Holy shit we have so much to do!"

I know it's early. I know so much can go wrong. I'm calling our doctor(s) tomorrow and making appointments. Right now the due date (according to pregnancy calculators) is JANUARY 09, 2012.

I'm just glad I'll have a baby before the world ends