I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

For the most part, I think I have done a pretty fantastic job of being positive and upbeat and optimistic about this pregnancy. Even through the scare in the beginning where losing her seemed to be an all too real fear, I followed my wonderful mom's advice and just convinced myself it would all be fine. She was fine. She had already stuck to me when for over a year nothing else had. She clung to me when my body didn't want to accept she was there. She's strong, a fighter, and, if the way I feel her move inside me is any indication, she is full of the eagerness of life. Now that I've gotten to my Anatomy Scan and I have seen her and I KNOW that she is perfect and beautiful and is doing absolutely amazing... it should be so much easier to be positive and optimistic right?

I'm terrified. And maybe it's just the start of me being terrified for her for the rest of my life, but I am absolutely terrified that something will happen to her out of the blue and I won't be able to see it coming, or stop it, or keep her safe. Last night I couldn't even sleep because I was feeling her move and I just kept wondering what I would do were she to suddenly stop and the idea of it had me so scared that it almost felt real. Now that I know for a fact she is okay, and that my single minded determination to MAKE her okay isn't the only thing keeping her going, it's become so easy to slip into that gripping paranoia of "What if...?"

I also know that this fear for her is never really going to go away. She won't ever understand why it's there, or what there is to be scared about and I won't ever know how to explain it. I certainly didn't understand when I was little. But now I do, in a way. She's mine. I created her. I am growing her. I am all she has to keep her safe right now. And sometimes I worry because, and this sounds admittedly awful, I just don't know if I am adequate enough for her. And I'm going to be trying to prove to myself for the rest of my life that I am.

I guess there are good days in pregnancy and there are bad days. And there are days that are neither, but that swallow you up and make you feel like the universe is playing a cosmic joke on you. Because who could ever possibly be ready for this?

20wks (3ds)

And we have reached the halfway mark, ladies and gentlemen! I am officially climbing down hill now. Which doesn't seem quite right because I still feel like it's super early still. As slow as I felt like my pregnancy was moving in the beginning, it is mind boggling to realize that it has already been 20 weeks. With that in mind, I'm positively panicky about how much there still is to do before she gets here! I suppose though that even if right this second I had her nursery done and every item I possibly needed I still wouldn't feel as if we were ready. Does anyone? But we're chugging along. Jason is living at work and I now cannot remember a time where I did not find it to be an extreme necessity to eat cake. Seriously. I have to have it in the house or the world might as well be ending. This week's cake is German Chocolate and now I am going to get a piece while I finally finish writing this. Other than my cake needs, I've had some not-so-fun new symptoms. Like back pain. Wednesday it hurt so bad that I didn't even want to move from the couch (even though that didn't exactly make it feel better). After some tylenol and a long body-temp bath (oh how I miss hot baths) I was feeling not much but somewhat better. Fortunately it hasn't been that bad since. I've also gotten a bit of a bloody nose. Not that it's running like a faucet, but every time I need to blow my nose I can tell. Fun stuff right?! But I'll take it. Symptom-wise I've been very lucky and have had it relatively easy so it's difficult to complain. I am really LOVING being pregnant, even with the back pain and bloody nose and breakouts.

I'm feeling her move all the time now, and even Jason has felt her a few times now!! I made a mix of some of my favorite classic Disney songs and put my headphones into my computer and hook the ear pieces into my pants so that they press against my stomach so that she can hear. They say classical music stimulates the brain, maybe Disney stimulates the imagination? Who knows! I just want her to come out loving that place as much as her daddy and I do. What's funny is that, without fail, as soon as we get to the Little mermaid music she gets super active and then settles back down again for the rest. I don't think I need to be worried about Disney love. Also exciting! I got the cloth diapers I ordered! Since I'm going to be a Stay at Home Mom I have decided to opt for the Cloth Diaper option for a lot of reasons, but it doesn't hurt that they're adorable. I have a dozen right now so I'm about halfway there with the amount I should start with! Now if Target's website will cooperate so I can register for the other ones I need that would be just swell.

But, hands down, the most exciting thing this week was our Anatomy Scan! Guys I can't even tell you, I was so petrified. I've been spending waaay too much time watching A Baby Story and reading pregnancy forums apparently, because every possible scenario was running through my mind of what could go wrong. My sleep that night? Was maybe an hour. And when I sat in the waiting room at the OB office I was seriously jittery. I mean, I couldn't WAIT to see my little girl again, but I was so convinced by this point that my second trimester had been too easy after my first that I just knew something would be wrong. We got called and went back to the room, lifted up my shirt and there she was on screen looking as beautiful as always. We told the tech we'd found out she was a SHE but we'd like confirmation and she found it super fast for us. Bebe is DEFINITELY still a girl!!! The tech also counted all her fingers and all her toes. Bebe did not like waking up at 7:30 and demonstrated his by first putting a hand over her ear and then by yawning very largely. She's DEFINITELY my daughter!! The tech found two kidneys with nothing abnormal, a perfectly working four chambered heart, a brain that was no cause for concern, and measuring at an exact 20 weeks. She was even declared to be "textbook perfect!" Later we met with the doctor who said her weight was in the 53rd percentile meaning she is perfectly sized and not too big or too small. All and all, he shrugged and said there was nothing to be concerned about and would see us in 4 weeks! I'm also +6 lbs. from my starting weight. I was concerned that I hadn't gained enough but no one said anything to me so I guess I'm fine!

This week, aside from being "textbook perfect" Bebe is 10.5 ounces and 6.5" making her about the size of a cantaloupe. Bebe is practicing swallowing right now, and all that amniotic fluid she's ingesting is accumulating in her bowels into a tar-like substance called meconium that will end up being her first diaper. Not much else has really changed with her developmental wise (at least according to the websites), but that's fine because even though I can't wait to meet her she's already growing up too fast. But I'll leave you with a couple more u/s photos!

she's still a girl!

close up profile

19wks (4ds)

This might be a short post. Mostly because I covered most of this week last week and I will cover the rest of this week next week after I get my Anatomy scan. So 19 is kind of a throwaway for me right now. I'm feeling really good! Bebe is moving all the time now and is most active in the afternoon and late at night. I feel like I can feel her with my hand, but she was moving pretty good this evening when Jason had his hand right over her and he claimed he couldn't feel a thing. But it was good that it happened because for the past few days she has absolutely REFUSED to move whenever he's been around. He'll poke and prod my stomach and not a thing. Then he goes away and BAM. I'll get movement. It's hilarious. He said a few days ago "This is just the start of her not listening to me isn't it?!" Then today our convo before she moved went thus:
Him: "How is she?"
Me: "I think she's sleeping"
Him: "Of course she is. I'm home."
Me: "She only sleeps well when you're around?"
Him: "That's one way to look at it!"
But then she moved and he couldn't feel so I think he's all right now knowing she's not just avoiding him. He really enjoys talking to her too and I'm often left just standing around looking at the walls while he carries on a conversation to my stomach. It's wonderful.

The most exciting thing about this week is I got my Snoogle Pregnancy Pillow! I had been having a really hard time sleeping on my side. I normally enjoy sleeping on my stomach, but now I really can't. And sleeping on your back when your pregnant is APPARENTLY a terrible idea since it restricts blood flow or something. My doctor assured me that if I do sleep on my back I'd get uncomfortable and move before anything was dangerous. He was right, because I would wake up 3 or 4 times on my back with the urge to move. The problem sleeping on my sides? My hip hurts, my shoulder hurts, and my arm falls asleep. It's annoying. So Snoogle! While not quite a Miracle Cure it's been decent. I had to move myself to the guest bedroom because the combination of Jason + Me + Snoogle + Queen Bed = Not the Best Fit. I kept hitting Jason with the pillow when I'd try to switch positions and he'd get mad and I finally just moved. It's sad because my bed is so much more comfortable and I miss him but I suppose I'm only going to get bigger and it's only going to be a tighter fit. So now I am in the guest room with the pillow and the cats who are THRILLED to be able to sleep with one of us. I'm still waking up in the night with the desire to move, but I guess not even the Snoogle can stop my hip from hurting when I sleep on it for too long.

Bebe (who is still unnamed and therefore Bebe)! She is now 8.5" ounces and 6" and is about the size of a Mango! I love Mangos. They're one of my favorite fruits. Unfortunately I'm terribly allergic and break out into hives whenever I look at one (joking. I have to touch or eat it) and it is terrible and I hate it because ugh, I would love a mango right about now. Jason's conversations with her make sense because research shows that Bebe is possibly able to hear noises outside my uterus now! I talk to her all the time, but I'm really happy she can now hear Jason. All her other senses (sight, taste, smell, touch) are in high gear of development as well, even though her eyes won't open for another 9 weeks. Everything in her body is proportional now and she is even growing HAIR. The color of her hair is a hot topic since between Jason and I we're a virtual Genetic Box of Chocolate and have no idea what she's gonna get! On my side of the family she can be brunette, blonde or (as my mom insists she will be) red haired. On Jason's he's got family with really fair hair and really dark hair. It can also be any texture too. Thick, thin. Straight, curly. No one knows and it's fascinating! She is also developing a waxy protective coating called the vernix caseosa right now, designed to help prevent her thickening skin from pickling and pruning in all the amniotic fluid she's swimming in. Don't want a pickled baby now, do we? (Bebe says "Glub glub" and that means "No." or possibly "Hi Jen, happy?")

18wks (6ds)

Prepare for this to be a long post, since I'm almost a week late. Oops. Anyways, it's been a busy time! I had my step-sisters and brother-in-law visit this past weekend and my two sisters and my mom visit the weekend before! I went to Wekiwa Springs and felt Bebe move for the FIRST TIME. Barely. It felt like two tiny kernels or popcorn popping. And then nothing for two days. And then a little every day. Just small movements. Twitches at first, like a finger against the inside of my stomach. And now I can feel bumping a few times a day and I know she is moving about. I'm actually feeling her while writing this. It's fascinating!! And I can't wait until I can put my hand on my stomach and feel her kicking from the outside. Not quite as exciting as baby movements, but still exciting, I went to Epcot this past weekend and managed to spend all day there without dying of exhaustion. Keep in mind it is the midst of Florida summer, so, it's miserable being outside for a few minutes - let alone for a while. But we had a really great time and I got to have my ham and cheese croissant in France so I was very happy. I am already salivating in anticipation for Food & Wine Festival starting at the end of September. I just want to eat. It's not too much to ask. Especially since I cannot partake of delicious fruity beverages. I will get my kicks in Belgian Waffles and Cheddar Cheese Soup and Pork Potstickers, dammit.

In other news, I am borderline ready to change Bebe's moniker to 'The Childlike Empress'. Because she is small and regal? No. No no. Because Jason and I are incapable of actually naming her. This morning as we debated the spelling of our first choice (yet again) and added another name to our growing list of contenders I finally burst out with "Bastian! Give me a name!" This, of course, distracted from the naming conversation at hand and disintegrated into me explaining the ending of The Neverending Story to him since he'd never understood it and resulted in us adding it to our Netflix queue. But the point remains! I am half convinced we are never actually going to have a name for her. She's going to be born and we will only have a middle and last name because we are incapable of making a decision. For those who haven't heard, Bebe's middle name is going to be Quinn. It's the only unanimous decision we have both happily agreed upon regarding names. Aside from our Boy name which was so much less complicated deciding on. But Bebe is a girl, not a boy, and naming her is haaaaard. Especially because Jason and I have vastly different tastes and opinions when it comes to things like names. He'd be happy with something common and simple, while I want it to be more unique and interesting. We'll get there. Maybe. Possibly.

As for me! My stomach as seriously popped over the past few weeks. While before I felt like I looked as if I just needed to lay off the brownies, these days I look in the mirror and go "Holy Hell, I have a baby in there!" It's AMAZING I look down and my stomach is round and high and so stereotypically girl. The only sad part of this is I had to say goodbye to a very close companion of mine that I have held close for half my life. My navel ring. I was 13 when my cousin and I convinced our mother's to take us to get it done and were allowed on the condition that we wouldn't pierce any other part of our body as long as we lived in the house. We promised and went to a shop called Grateful Jay's where I was pierced with a silver hoop. I dealt with the infections and I changed it periodically to bars with dangling pieces or hopes with glow-in-the-dark beads all through middle and high school. It was winter of 2003 that I bought the last navel ring I'd ever wear, the one in the side picture: 24k gold with a small diamond chip in the middle of a love knot. I haven't changed it since. This little navel bar went through college with me, went through FA training, and has been all over the world. For thirteen years I have had some sort of metal in my navel. I'm 26 now. And for the first time my navel is empty. Just in time too. Two days after taking it out the hole went from small and round to straight line as my uterus has continued to move up. But I will dearly miss it.

Bebe (The Childlike Empress) is now 5.5" long and 7 oz. Making her the size of one of my favorite things: a sweet potato! Her skin is still thin and her blood vessels are visible beneath it. Her ears are in their final position, but sticking out a bit from her head (and if she has her daddy's ears they'll stay that way). The big news this week is that her fallopian tubes and uterus is fully formed and in place! She's supposedly moving like crazy, which I can believe, even if I am only feeling a fraction of her movements.

17wks (1d)

I can't believe I am less than a month away from being halfway through this pregnancy. It boggles my mind! I've also known about her existence for three months (and 1 day) now and that is also mind blowing. Especially considering how dramatic the first couple weeks of that knowledge was. I remember when I thought I wouldn't be able to write a weekly entry, and here I am! Three months, later, writing one for seventeen weeks and knowing that she is a SHE. And she has been doing well, I think! I still can't feel her, even though Jason is convinced he can. It's cute. This morning he put his hand on my stomach to say goodbye to her before going to work and was like "Katie, I swear, she's moving!" I tried to convince him that if I can't feel her then he definitely can't, but his excuse was "you're sleeping, you don't know!" Soon enough though! I should be able to feel her in the next coming weeks. And with the way she was kicking in that ultrasound I have no doubt she will make her presence known soon and often. I've also had a kickstart in my need to pee. It's all the time! I feel like every hour I have another full bladder. This is boggling to me since before I got pregnant I hardly ever had to use the bathroom. To the point where Jason was convinced there was something wrong with me! And now? Those days are long gone!! Also my appetite is definitely picking up. Last night I called Jason demanding Philly Cheesesteaks for dinner and a couple nights before then I had the biggest craving for Chinese takeout. I also got myself Ensure Protein drinks, since I'm having a hard time with getting enough protein and I wanted to get something to help. Even if it tastes like chalk.

I'm also finding it super hard to resist shopping for her. I just want to go out and get everything she needs and set up that nursery and buy everything at Janie and Jack even though it is the most absurdly over priced store in existence (though it should be noted that I managed to resist buy the CUTEST swimsuit that was on sale for $12 - self restraint thy name is Katie). I DID, however, buy all my bedding and some room decor since it was on clearance at Babies-R-Us. It's so cute and I'm SO happy with it. Greens and browns and whites and BUNNIES (though, Bunny, if you're reading this post, I have to say that as soon as I realized they're GREEN bunnies the only thing I can think of is you, lol). I have the 6 piece bedding set (fitted sheet, duvet and duvet cover, bumpers, dust ruffle, window valance, and diaper stacker), a lamp, a mobile, a 2 piece wall art, and an extra fitted sheet! I can't tell you how relieved I was when I finally purchase that and brought it home. It's like I've finally started putting things together for her. Like I have something she needs. Am I still panicky about the fact that her nursery is still a storage room? Why yes. Yes I am. Jason and I seem to have very different worries however. The other day we had a conversation that went so:
Jason: "We're having a girl. We have to worry about boys. And she's going to want to get married."
Me: "Honey. She's not even fully formed yet. Marriage is a long way away, we don't have to worry about that. What we should worry about? Her room is filled with stuff."
Jason: "We have plenty of time to clean out the nursery, Katie."
Me: "Oh. So her nursery can wait, but she's getting married soon?"
Jason: "... Yes! She's getting married really soon!"

Speaking of Bebe being not fully formed yet! She (I can say she :D) is now the size of a large onion, being 5" long and about 5 ounces! Her skeleton is hardening from soft cartilage to bone and her umbilical cord is growing stronger and thicker. She now has sweat glands (important, but it seems so random while she's cooped up in there) and MOST interestingly - Bebe can now sleep in REM cycles and dream. I have no idea what she can possibly be dreaming about though. Perhaps she is dreaming of doing more backflips, or dreaming of sucking her thumb again. I'm not sure. But it's fascinating that she is capable of it and does it. I wish I knew what was going on in her little head. It's so bizarre that she is growing inside of me and I have no idea what she is thinking or feeling or experiencing. I suppose this is just preparing me for having her outside the womb where I'd beg, borrow, steal or kill to be able to have an inkling of what she's thinking.

I am going to leave this post today with what the AMAZING Lindsay @ You Are The Roots (henceforth to be known as my Pregnancy Fairy Godmother) sent Bebe!! She even addressed it to her! Jason came in with it like "What did you buy for the baby? I told you not to buy anything." But ha! It was not me! THANK YOU SO MUCH LINDSAY!!!

"HI LITTLE GIRL!! Bebe I can't wait to meet you. Love, Ethan" (Lindsay's beautiful new baby boy)