For the most part, I think I have done a pretty fantastic job of being positive and upbeat and optimistic about this pregnancy. Even through the scare in the beginning where losing her seemed to be an all too real fear, I followed my wonderful mom's advice and just convinced myself it would all be fine. She was fine. She had already stuck to me when for over a year nothing else had. She clung to me when my body didn't want to accept she was there. She's strong, a fighter, and, if the way I feel her move inside me is any indication, she is full of the eagerness of life. Now that I've gotten to my Anatomy Scan and I have seen her and I KNOW that she is perfect and beautiful and is doing absolutely amazing... it should be so much easier to be positive and optimistic right?
I'm terrified. And maybe it's just the start of me being terrified for her for the rest of my life, but I am absolutely terrified that something will happen to her out of the blue and I won't be able to see it coming, or stop it, or keep her safe. Last night I couldn't even sleep because I was feeling her move and I just kept wondering what I would do were she to suddenly stop and the idea of it had me so scared that it almost felt real. Now that I know for a fact she is okay, and that my single minded determination to MAKE her okay isn't the only thing keeping her going, it's become so easy to slip into that gripping paranoia of "What if...?"
I also know that this fear for her is never really going to go away. She won't ever understand why it's there, or what there is to be scared about and I won't ever know how to explain it. I certainly didn't understand when I was little. But now I do, in a way. She's mine. I created her. I am growing her. I am all she has to keep her safe right now. And sometimes I worry because, and this sounds admittedly awful, I just don't know if I am adequate enough for her. And I'm going to be trying to prove to myself for the rest of my life that I am.
I guess there are good days in pregnancy and there are bad days. And there are days that are neither, but that swallow you up and make you feel like the universe is playing a cosmic joke on you. Because who could ever possibly be ready for this?
Every minute of every day of my pregnancy, with all of the pre-term labor scares and placenta previa fears, I was absolutely terrified that I was going to lose Bee. Since she was born, every minute of every day I have been amazed by everything about her, felt blessed to have her, and been absolutely paralyzed by the fear that something outside of my control will happen to her and I will be powerless to stop it. Worse than that, I have been absolutely petrified that I will do something wrong that will damage her irreparably in some way. The only thing that I can tell you is that the good will outweigh the bad and that fear that you're not good enough...that you're going to do something wrong...that fear will betrothing that makes you the best mother for her. Fear of failing will prevent you from failing. And if you ever need anything -- support, encouragement, love, or just a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on -- I will ALWAYS be here for you. <3
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