Welcome to the World Lila Quinn, Part 1: The Birth (Or, The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men)

Wow, did I get my 40 week post up just in time or what? First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone for your amazingly kind words of encouragement and congratulations over the past week. They have meant a lot and I am so incredibly blessed to have friends and family like you all in my and Jason's (and now Lila's) lives. It has been both a rough and wonderful few days, so having you all rooting me on has been a big help in making it through. I know you're all dying to hear what's been going on though, so I'll get to it. I'll be splitting this up into two parts: The Birth Story, and The Recovery Story because both are pretty vital and tie in together, as you can imagine. Both also happen to be incredibly long. We'll see how long this takes me to write though, (Lila is currently sleeping in her swing, but she's going to need fed in a few minutes) since as most of you know and the rest of you can imagine, motherhood is rather time consuming.

Monday night after posting my blog I'd had a talk with both Jason and my mom about the Dr's appt I was having on Tuesday. I still wasn't feeling Lila (omg I can call her Lila instead of Bebe now) move how I was accustomed to feeling her (and yes, I know as babies get bigger they move less, but even as late as 4am on Sunday morning I was seeing her limbs kick me and feeling her thrashing, so suddenly only feeling small shifts was a big deal to me) and even though her BPP had come back 8 out of 8 I was still concerned. We'd also noticed this thing in her ultrasound (well, my mom noticed it) and pointed it out as a piece of a three ventricle umbilical cord that was right over her chin. Jason and I decided we'd talk to the Dr about inducing me on Tuesday. I knew that my baby was healthy and alive now, but who knew by Friday if she still would be. And also she hasn't engaged and what little engaging she'd done she'd reversed and was backing up. There was obviously something preventing her and that's what was concerning me.

It also concerned our Dr. He did my cervical check and informed me that even if I wanted him to strip my membranes he wouldn't be able to because she was so high again. And then on the fetal monitors we found some variables in her heart rate whenever I would have a contraction. We all agreed that inducing today would be in her best interest because something was going on that was preventing her from initiating birth herself. Also, my Dr was on call that night (when I went to see him that morning he was at the hospital doing Administrative things, he used to be the Head of Surgery at the hospital and so is there a lot) and I felt far more comfortable with him delivering Lila than anyone else. So I was admitted and spent a few hours down in triage while they found a room for me and put me into the system (they don't normally induce at the hospital until 41 weeks unless there's a medical reason, but considering I was 40 and 5 and showing variables in the heart rate they agreed to admit me). I was sent up to Labor & Delivery and around 1:30pm they started my Pitocin. It definitely wasn't bad at first, and I was able to rest for a bit before my mom arrived. I was just using the bathroom and about to use the birthing ball when the nurse told me to return to bed because Lila was having Deceleration whenever I contracted (her heart rate would dip down) and they were a little concerned. We noticed it happened whenever I stood up or laid on my left side, so I was forced to sit up right in an Indian Style position to keep her steady. That's when my Dr (who still wasn't on call yet, but stopping in every hour to check on me) came in and decided to break my water to get things moving since we really couldn't have her staying in me too much longer. After they broke my water they were monitoring my contractions and asking me how they were and half the time I honestly had no idea I was even having one. Compared to the contractions I had on Saturday night/Sunday morning they were nothing and the look on my Dr's face was definitely one of bewilderment.

But sure enough, they began to get worse. Especially considering the fact that I was forced to sit in one position and couldn't utilize the tub or the ball or even walking to help with the pain, I threw out my desires for an epidural-less birth and resigned myself to not being able to move my legs (my big big fear). Especially since the contractions were one on top of the other with no break in between at this point. They checked me and told me I was 6 cm and I told them just to get me the epidural. Of course the girl who does it gets me in a blood vessel first and not only am I having contractions that I can barely breathe through but I was having this back cramping pain that almost had me crying. Finally she got it in and the contractions began to subside in intensity but, I swear to God, that was the most frustratingly painful moment I have ever been in. My reward for surviving was that I could still move my legs without too much trouble! Yay! It made me feel so much better and I sent most of my time before the push wiggling my toes and shifting my legs just because I could. Of course, it wore off only on my right side a little before delivery and, of course, that happened when laying on my right side (which helped because it forced the medicine into my right side) was causing Lila to have even more Decelerations and I had to lay on my left. Which meant my left side was completely numb and my right side was completely in pain.

At 10pm I was told I was 10cm and we'd begin pushing in a few. Finally! I was going to get my baby! My Dr came in before I started pushing, which surprised the nurse since normally they only come in at the end. But by this point Lila was having pretty bad Decelerations (at one point my heart beat was faster than hers for a second) and even a few Accelerations (she went up to 170s at one time) and he was clearly concerned about it. At 10:30 I started pushing and was very quickly told that I could only push every other contraction to keep Lila from getting too stressed (the combination of my pushing and the contractions wasn't a favorable one). It was then I understood that if I didn't get her out FAST this was going to end in an Emergency C-Section. Whenever I could push my Dr was very emphatically ordering me to push harder and harder and then looking at the monitor intently. It was 4 pushes in when he yelled stop because the head was right there. He pushed it back in slightly and had all the nurses come in and get ready and set me up with a mirror. Another contraction and she was almost out and everyone was ready. Push number 6 and out came her head with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck twice. The Dr tried to loop it off but it was too tight, so he grabbed the clamps and scissors, cut it, and unraveled it before pulling her out the rest of the way and that tiny, quiet second between the removal of the cord and her cry was the most terrifying moment of my life. She was born at 10:56pm.

But then she screamed. And she screamed and she screamed and she screamed. And she peed and voided her bowels all over the Dr. I could hear Jason crying next to me and I was crying and just taking huge gasping breaths because she was HERE and she was BREATHING and I didn't have to worry about Cord Compression (the two most terrifying words in my life right now) anymore. They placed her on a blanket on my chest, rubbed her down and removed the blanket so we could be skin to skin and she was screaming and I was crying and all I know I was talking to her, telling her "it's okay baby, you're safe. you're with me." And that she was only on my chest for a few seconds before she was lifting her head up and flopping it back down. They left her on my chest while the Dr stitched me up, and I tried to breast feed her but she wanted nothing to do with it. Eventually they took her to do all their tests and Jason went with her and the Dr was still stitching me up. I was informed I had a 2nd Degree laceration and several superficial tears. Meaning that I tore down into my muscle and I had to be stitched up layer by layer. They can usually occur from pushing too fast and too hard, like I was doing. If I'd had the luxury of not having to worry about cord compression I would definitely not have pushed so hard and would have given my skin time to stretch. But I didn't. Getting my baby out as quickly and safely trumped whatever damage I incurred along the way. The next morning when our Dr checked on us we asked if he ever considered a c-section and he admitted that at the end it was a definite possibility if pushing had gone on for a long time, but we were fortunate that I didn't make that an issue. He also alluded to the fact that he'd thought when she came out with that tight cord that we'd medical intervention to resuscitate her, but she made that a nonissue too.

Lila got an 8/9 Apgar score, which was amazing considering how tight that cord had been. But we knew at 5 weeks that she was a strong girl with survival instincts, because she held on then and she proved how she'd managed that when she came out strong. They weighed her at 7 lbs 2 oz and measured her at 19.75" and I said "Oh my God, she's so tiny" and the nurse was like "Well, no, not really" before I went on to explain that I thought she'd be 8 lbs and the Dr laughed and admitted that he'd thought the same thing. Eventually they brought us upstairs to Recovery and Jason went with Lila to the nursery while they bathed her. Jason told me later that when they put her on her stomach she lifted her head again and tried to army crawl and the nurse thought it was amazing and hilarious. Not even three hours old and already trying to move on her own. I told you all she was going to be a squirmer! Our family who'd come to the hospital (my mom and Kirsty and Jason's parents) finally got to come up to see her around 3am, but they left shortly after and Jason and I embarked on the most sleepless night we'd ever had. Because who can sleep when you have a baby you have to keep assuring yourself is breathing?

I'll talk more about the fun of a 2nd degree laceration and our foray into the world of breastfeeding that both Lila and I are very interested in accomplishing but are very, very awkwardly and painfully figuring out. I started off this process with a birth plan, like most first-time moms do. The first 5 things on my plan? I did not want to be induced; I wanted to walk and use the bath and birthing ball; I did not want to have to have an epidural; I wanted delayed cord clamping and to wait until it ceased pulsing to clamp and cut it in order for Lila to receive the cord blood; I wanted Jason to cut the cord. All of those things went completely out the window. And you know what? I didn't miss them at all. I discovered that I didn't need an ideal birth experience, I didn't need a plan. I just needed my baby, and I needed her healthy. I don't for one second feel disappointed or sad about my birth experience, that it wasn't what I'd wanted and envisioned. Because the lead up to the birth isn't the important part, I've realized. The important part is right here in my arms sleeping. Tuesday was by far the most terrifying, heart wrenching, painful, beautiful, miraculous, and sweetest moment of my life. I'm a mommy now, and I'll never be the same.