Welcome to the World Lila Quinn Part 2: The Recovery (Or, The Blog entry that has been sitting half-written for 4 months)

So about 2 months ago, when this entry had only been partially written for 2 months, I considered not writing it because it was so dastardly late. What was the point? Everything relevant in that entry had changed and become different. I wanted to write blog entries about what were actually happening in our lives but felt like I couldn't since this entry hadn't been completed. Since Lila has been born she's grown tremendously from the little newborn she was when I first set my fingers to the keyboard. She now holds her head up straight, rolls backwards and forwards, can stay standing if clutching a sturdy object. She's seen Disneyworld, been on a long road trip, and been Baptized. So allow me to speed through the entry that I started 4 months ago so I can finally get into the habit of writing about the present instead of the past.

Recovering from having Lila was hard. Most people, myself included, are so focused on the birth and on getting the baby out and on what they will do with the baby once the baby comes that they don't think about what they will do with themselves. Like I said in the last entry, I had had a 2nd degree tear when I gave birth. ANd not just that, it was a jagged tear that wasn't straight and involved a lot... how shall I put this, removing skin and tissue in order for the tear to fit back together. I couldn't walk without assistance, and I couldn't even sit up in bed without being in extreme pain. I had to have help to and from the bathroom every time. The first week Jason had to get up and change Lila in the middle of the night because I wasn't able to get out of our bed without help. One night I started crying hysterically because I felt so helpless that I couldn't even do that simple thing for her. I don't know how I would have managed any of it without my Mom. My mom is the most amazing person ever. The thing with having a baby (and the first baby on both sides of the family) is that the baby is inevitably the center of the universe. Everyone wants to see the baby. Everyone wants to know the baby. And while everyone trips over each other trying to take care of the baby, mommy is kind of out in left field shuffling behind the crowd. That's where my mommy was too. My mommy took care of me so that I could heal up and be a mommy myself. She ran epsom salt and sitz baths for me. She made sure I ate and slept. She forced me to my feet and made me walk up and down the halls of my house so I could heal. I the week she was here with me I was her focus. Which I know couldn't have been easy when she had her first grandbaby right there in the same room. She got her time with Lila on her last day though. I was feeling much better and she got to spend the whole day getting to know my sleepy little princess. I just can't thank her enough for being there for me when I needed her the most, and it was the best example to me (a brand new mother) on what a mother's love and priorities should be: their baby.

But my mom couldn't help me with all my burdens. Breastfeeding was something that she couldn't do for me. Fortunately, Jason's aunt (a Lactation consultant) was able to step in and help instead. Lila was 7 lbs and 2 oz when she was born, but when we left Winnie Palmer she was only 6 lbs 5 oz. She would latch on for a moment and then pull off and cry. I'd go back and forth, putting her on and on and on over and over and over. With a lot of help from Jason's Aunt we were able to get her to latch on and stay. Which was a sigh of relief. My problems were over! Aside from the pain of the initial latch until my first letdown, everything worked. Well, until Lila's next Dr's appt. Apparently Lila wasn't gaining enough weight and they wanted to see us again in a week. So I fed her and fed her and fed her. But when the appt came she still wasn't progressing like she should be. Eventually we decided I'd pump and feed her the expressed milk so we could make sure her weight was going up and then we'd go back to breastfeeding. She would fall asleep while nursing or just not eat, and it was our hope that once she got into the habit of eating she'd do it from me. Except she didn't. She gained weight remarkably quickly once I started pumping and feeding her, but threw fit when I tried to nurse her. So it was suggested that I try a nipple shield and it worked! She latched immediately! Again, my problems were over. She was latching, I could hear her eat, success! Not quite. Because of her weight problems we'd gotten a scale and weighed her every few days. So after switching back to the shield for a week I weighed her... and saw she'd LOST weight. I talked to Jason's Aunt again and we immediately put me back to pumping, hoping that my supply wasn't too damaged. It was definitely lower than it had been when I'd stopped pumping and I had to use some of my freezer stash for a few days but I finally got it back up again. Sigh of relief! After getting it back up we went to trying to slowly add in more nursing and less bottles. But, once again, I noticed a plateau in her weight once we did this. Eventually I started paying attention to the way she ate her bottles. She'd take an ounce and then toss her head and fight me for the next ounce. And then after that she would ease into the third ounce. And fight the last one. She was doing this with me nursing her, I figured out. She'd drink a bit and then fight because (while not full) she wasn't starving anymore and didn't feel like staying still to eat more. The problem was I couldn't fight her with my breast. I couldn't force it on her. She would bite me, scream at me and refuse to latch. But with a bottle I could be patient and stubborn and she eventually ate it - since biting the bottle nipple didn't cause it pain.

So now I am in the extremely high demand lifestyle of the Exclusively Pumping group. I never wanted to be here. I LOVE nursing, and the times when Lila lets me comfort nurse her to sleep for naps is my absolute best time of the day (and I can even comfort nurse her without a shield these days)! Pumping exclusively is hard and demanding. I've made it past the exhausting every 2 hour pump stage and now can pump 4 times a day and get a very good supply, and that was such a relief. I've managed to go 4 months and never had to supplement with formula. To me that's the motivation to keep going with this. I bring my pump to Disneyworld and every 4 hours I duck into a Baby Station and pump. I pump in the car on long road trips. I excuse myself at family gatherings to huddle in a room and pump. We schedule errands and outings around my pumping schedule. I drink 100+ oz of water a day. I wash bottle parts and pumping parts ad nauseum. I am counting down to 6 months when i can finally replace bottles with solid foods. Feeding Lila takes an hour (on a good day). Because not only do I have to fight with her to get her to finish her bottle, after that I have to sit down and pump (between 20-30 minutes, mornings are usually longer). Then I have to wash bottles and pumping equipment. Sometimes I'm hooked up to the pump in the middle of a letdown and she starts screaming in her swing or her bouncer and I just have to let her because I can't stop in the middle. It's tiring and hard and nothing is worse than hearing people say "why don't you just stop and give her formula?" because some days it's SO tempting to do that. But I HAVE the milk. I know so many moms who would do anything to have been able to give their babies breastmilk and couldn't because of supply issues. I am so blessed and so fortunate to have such a wonderful supply and to respond to the pump well. I can't just throw that away when I know other women would give anything to be able to have the opportunity that I do. I also don't work so I have the time to dedicate to pumping the way I do. Most of all, I have the support system. I have Jason who hasn't let me give up and who tells me every day how good of a job I am doing. I have his aunt who has been my cheerleader from the beginning. I have both of our families who give me support as well to keep pushing. Each month is a little easier and a little harder. It's one month closer, one more month of success. Lila will be 4 months tomorrow, and that means only 2 more months until I can start solids and not have her exclusively on milk. And 6 months means I am halfway through the recommended 1 year of breastmilk. I don't want to set 1 year as a goal though. My goal, every day, is to let me make it to the next month. Tomorrow I will have met my goal. Then my new goal will be June 17. Having frequent smaller goals makes it easier since I can see that light, when January 17 just seems so far away. But tomorrow will be another goal met and crossed off. Tomorrow I can feel successful.

Aside from my life revolving around breastmilk (speaking of, I pumped 40 oz this past Saturday which was the most I had ever done. I was so proud of myself that I cried), it's revolved around watching Lila grow. She has blossomed so much from the tiny 6 lb baby I brought home from the hospital. She had her 4 month appt yesterday and was 13 lbs 5 oz! 7 whole pounds in the past 4 months!! Every day she is bigger and stronger, astounding me with her stubbornness and her desire to do things her body just isn't capable of yet. She also sleeps better than I could have ever dared to hope. She takes a minimum of 4 naps a day and by 8:30 pm is ready for bed. If we pass this time she lets us know. Loudly. Then, on average, she sleeps till 6:30am. Some days it's 5am (like today), other days she'll go till around 7. One memorable day was 8! It's remarkable and I only love her more for it, lol!! She does roadtrips like a champion, and both of my sisters have had the pleasure of riding with her (Kirsty came with us up to PA for my Poppop's birthday) and seeing how well she does (sleeping mostly through the trip and the night). I couldn't ask for a more perfect baby. She is all I have ever wanted and I am amazed at how each day I love her so much more than I did the day before.

I know lots more has happened but, uh, it's been 4 months. And if I say I will make my next post a timeline it will never happen and I'd be scared to update until it did. So how about I put up some pictures and we pretend I'm all caught up? DEAL.