I tuck you in and turn on your favorite nightlight.

Last night was a big step for us. Lila slept in her nursery, by herself. When I was pregnant we'd decided that at 4 months we would begin thinking about transitioning Lila out of our room (depending, of course, on numerous factors). So when 4 months came along we did that. She's sleeping clear through the night with no wake ups for feeding or changing. She was sleeping easily in her Co-Sleeper and not having to fall asleep in bed with us before being moved. She is drinking expressed milk from a bottle and not nursing so I don't pull her into bed with me in the morning to nurse. All in all, it was a pretty perfect scenario for this big move. The only thing we were missing? A video monitor.

When I was expecting I had given Jason the job of finding us a monitor since he was the resident electronic expert. Haha. This is probably why at 4 months old Lila still didn't have a monitor. So a couple months ago I started looking for options to give to him for him to decide on. After looking up just about every baby monitor there is and comparing prices and reading review after review after review, I settled on 2 choices with a HUGE price difference. But also a rather large difference in reviews. In the end, we decided on the more expensive 3.5" Motorola MBP36 Remote Wireless Video Baby Monitor with Infrared Night Vision and Zoom. I had a 20% off coupon and a $25 gift card so we got the one with 2 cameras at BrU which equaled out to the same price as the 1 camera one on Amazon. This way we can have 1 camera permanently mounted in the nursery and use the other camera for travel purposes. This monitor has literally everything I could ever ask or hope for in a baby monitor. It has a better connection (2.4GHz) than most of the other wireless monitors (900MHz) as well as offering 2 way communication.

I can hear everything in her room and I can talk to her through my monitor if I need to. Jason and I tried it out from across the house and it worked beautifully. It also has a 3.5" color screen for daytime (and I can zoom, tilt and pan with my monitor) and it switches to Night Vision automatically when the light is low. The night vision is great as well, and I could very clearly see her moving when she dreamed. The top of the monitor has 5 LED lights that correspond with sound so if you have the volume off for one reason or another you can SEE the level of sound by how many lights are blinking. The monitor even has a temperature reading as well so you can make sure the room isn't too hot or too cold for your baby (and in FL where it gets super hot this is really useful!). And, even though we likely won't use these since Lila really likes the whales on her Sleep Sheep, the monitor and camera have 5 lullabies built in that you can choose from your monitor to play over her camera. So cool!

Okay, now that I'm done pimping the virtues of the Motorola Monitor, let me continue. So we went to BrU yesterday evening and picked up our monitor and came back to the house to set it up and move things out of our room and back to hers (like the changing station and clothes and blankets). My room seems so empty now without all her stuff, and her room feels like a nursery again. She'd fallen asleep in her swing while we were doing this, but when we finished I scooped her out and swaddled her up and she was WIDE awake again. Which made for some cute pictures, as you can see. She was FASCINATED. Since she has taken a few naps in there she wasn't entirely unfamiliar with her nursery, but her eyes were glued to the bunny mobile. After taking a few pictures we removed the bumpers (so don't freak out that I let her sleep alone in there with bumpers, Mom) and put them away and I set about folding her diapers and putting them in the diaper stacker which finally has use now, and by the time I had finished she was passed out once again. So I stared at her for a few minutes, kissed her goodnight, turned off the lights, checked for cats, and closed the door to let my baby sleep on her own without me.

As you can imagine, I was glued to the monitor from the second I left that bedroom. Every grunt and I was grabbing it and checking it and asking Jason if she was okay and are we sure this is the right move and what if she needs me?! And he was just like "... Katie. She's fine. You didn't do this when she was in our bedroom with the door closed. Relax." Which was true, and ridiculous of me, but it's just such a big step!! So I tried to calm down and watch Green lantern with Jason (it was on HBO On Demand). Then I pumped (and watched the monitor) and washed and refilled all my bottles and parts (and watched the monitor), and went to bed (and watched the monitor) and I must have fallen asleep because I woke up feeling as though I was run over by a truck and Lila was grunting and shimmying on the monitor so Jason fetched her and that was my first night not in the same room as my baby! It was hard and broke my heart a little but I have faith tonight will be easier and by next month I can do it without thinking twice. And at least now it's just me having a hard time transitioning. I think if she was having a fit about it I would totally not be able to do it. It's hard enough as it is!!

They grow up so fast.

4 Month Update

Yesterday my Lila turned 4 months old. How am I the mom of a 4 month old? Didn't I just give birth?

Weight: 13 lbs 5 oz
Height: 24.5"
Head: 15.75"

Milestones: "Talks," Reaches for and grasps toys and brings to self, Plays with hands and feet, Turns towards noises (especially our voices), Rolls over from tummy to back (04/26), Rolls over back to tummy (05/09), Holds self up in standing position with sturdy object (05/09), Holds self up in a sitting up position with hands without support (05/13), I'm sure there is more but I forget to write this stuff down.

Lila's also been "preteething" for a couple months now, poor thing. She drools over everything and will attempt to shove anything that can reach her mouth into it. I'm going through bibs like CRAZY. Her hair is now long enough that I can make small antennae like pigtails that make her look like Pebbles or Cindy Lou Who or a small alien. She still loves standing and her walker is her favorite toy because it lets her brace her feet, but now that she can roll she likes tummy time ALOT more. She smiles, giggles, laughs and coos alllll the time. Ugh, I love her so much.

Welcome to the World Lila Quinn Part 2: The Recovery (Or, The Blog entry that has been sitting half-written for 4 months)

So about 2 months ago, when this entry had only been partially written for 2 months, I considered not writing it because it was so dastardly late. What was the point? Everything relevant in that entry had changed and become different. I wanted to write blog entries about what were actually happening in our lives but felt like I couldn't since this entry hadn't been completed. Since Lila has been born she's grown tremendously from the little newborn she was when I first set my fingers to the keyboard. She now holds her head up straight, rolls backwards and forwards, can stay standing if clutching a sturdy object. She's seen Disneyworld, been on a long road trip, and been Baptized. So allow me to speed through the entry that I started 4 months ago so I can finally get into the habit of writing about the present instead of the past.

Recovering from having Lila was hard. Most people, myself included, are so focused on the birth and on getting the baby out and on what they will do with the baby once the baby comes that they don't think about what they will do with themselves. Like I said in the last entry, I had had a 2nd degree tear when I gave birth. ANd not just that, it was a jagged tear that wasn't straight and involved a lot... how shall I put this, removing skin and tissue in order for the tear to fit back together. I couldn't walk without assistance, and I couldn't even sit up in bed without being in extreme pain. I had to have help to and from the bathroom every time. The first week Jason had to get up and change Lila in the middle of the night because I wasn't able to get out of our bed without help. One night I started crying hysterically because I felt so helpless that I couldn't even do that simple thing for her. I don't know how I would have managed any of it without my Mom. My mom is the most amazing person ever. The thing with having a baby (and the first baby on both sides of the family) is that the baby is inevitably the center of the universe. Everyone wants to see the baby. Everyone wants to know the baby. And while everyone trips over each other trying to take care of the baby, mommy is kind of out in left field shuffling behind the crowd. That's where my mommy was too. My mommy took care of me so that I could heal up and be a mommy myself. She ran epsom salt and sitz baths for me. She made sure I ate and slept. She forced me to my feet and made me walk up and down the halls of my house so I could heal. I the week she was here with me I was her focus. Which I know couldn't have been easy when she had her first grandbaby right there in the same room. She got her time with Lila on her last day though. I was feeling much better and she got to spend the whole day getting to know my sleepy little princess. I just can't thank her enough for being there for me when I needed her the most, and it was the best example to me (a brand new mother) on what a mother's love and priorities should be: their baby.

But my mom couldn't help me with all my burdens. Breastfeeding was something that she couldn't do for me. Fortunately, Jason's aunt (a Lactation consultant) was able to step in and help instead. Lila was 7 lbs and 2 oz when she was born, but when we left Winnie Palmer she was only 6 lbs 5 oz. She would latch on for a moment and then pull off and cry. I'd go back and forth, putting her on and on and on over and over and over. With a lot of help from Jason's Aunt we were able to get her to latch on and stay. Which was a sigh of relief. My problems were over! Aside from the pain of the initial latch until my first letdown, everything worked. Well, until Lila's next Dr's appt. Apparently Lila wasn't gaining enough weight and they wanted to see us again in a week. So I fed her and fed her and fed her. But when the appt came she still wasn't progressing like she should be. Eventually we decided I'd pump and feed her the expressed milk so we could make sure her weight was going up and then we'd go back to breastfeeding. She would fall asleep while nursing or just not eat, and it was our hope that once she got into the habit of eating she'd do it from me. Except she didn't. She gained weight remarkably quickly once I started pumping and feeding her, but threw fit when I tried to nurse her. So it was suggested that I try a nipple shield and it worked! She latched immediately! Again, my problems were over. She was latching, I could hear her eat, success! Not quite. Because of her weight problems we'd gotten a scale and weighed her every few days. So after switching back to the shield for a week I weighed her... and saw she'd LOST weight. I talked to Jason's Aunt again and we immediately put me back to pumping, hoping that my supply wasn't too damaged. It was definitely lower than it had been when I'd stopped pumping and I had to use some of my freezer stash for a few days but I finally got it back up again. Sigh of relief! After getting it back up we went to trying to slowly add in more nursing and less bottles. But, once again, I noticed a plateau in her weight once we did this. Eventually I started paying attention to the way she ate her bottles. She'd take an ounce and then toss her head and fight me for the next ounce. And then after that she would ease into the third ounce. And fight the last one. She was doing this with me nursing her, I figured out. She'd drink a bit and then fight because (while not full) she wasn't starving anymore and didn't feel like staying still to eat more. The problem was I couldn't fight her with my breast. I couldn't force it on her. She would bite me, scream at me and refuse to latch. But with a bottle I could be patient and stubborn and she eventually ate it - since biting the bottle nipple didn't cause it pain.

So now I am in the extremely high demand lifestyle of the Exclusively Pumping group. I never wanted to be here. I LOVE nursing, and the times when Lila lets me comfort nurse her to sleep for naps is my absolute best time of the day (and I can even comfort nurse her without a shield these days)! Pumping exclusively is hard and demanding. I've made it past the exhausting every 2 hour pump stage and now can pump 4 times a day and get a very good supply, and that was such a relief. I've managed to go 4 months and never had to supplement with formula. To me that's the motivation to keep going with this. I bring my pump to Disneyworld and every 4 hours I duck into a Baby Station and pump. I pump in the car on long road trips. I excuse myself at family gatherings to huddle in a room and pump. We schedule errands and outings around my pumping schedule. I drink 100+ oz of water a day. I wash bottle parts and pumping parts ad nauseum. I am counting down to 6 months when i can finally replace bottles with solid foods. Feeding Lila takes an hour (on a good day). Because not only do I have to fight with her to get her to finish her bottle, after that I have to sit down and pump (between 20-30 minutes, mornings are usually longer). Then I have to wash bottles and pumping equipment. Sometimes I'm hooked up to the pump in the middle of a letdown and she starts screaming in her swing or her bouncer and I just have to let her because I can't stop in the middle. It's tiring and hard and nothing is worse than hearing people say "why don't you just stop and give her formula?" because some days it's SO tempting to do that. But I HAVE the milk. I know so many moms who would do anything to have been able to give their babies breastmilk and couldn't because of supply issues. I am so blessed and so fortunate to have such a wonderful supply and to respond to the pump well. I can't just throw that away when I know other women would give anything to be able to have the opportunity that I do. I also don't work so I have the time to dedicate to pumping the way I do. Most of all, I have the support system. I have Jason who hasn't let me give up and who tells me every day how good of a job I am doing. I have his aunt who has been my cheerleader from the beginning. I have both of our families who give me support as well to keep pushing. Each month is a little easier and a little harder. It's one month closer, one more month of success. Lila will be 4 months tomorrow, and that means only 2 more months until I can start solids and not have her exclusively on milk. And 6 months means I am halfway through the recommended 1 year of breastmilk. I don't want to set 1 year as a goal though. My goal, every day, is to let me make it to the next month. Tomorrow I will have met my goal. Then my new goal will be June 17. Having frequent smaller goals makes it easier since I can see that light, when January 17 just seems so far away. But tomorrow will be another goal met and crossed off. Tomorrow I can feel successful.

Aside from my life revolving around breastmilk (speaking of, I pumped 40 oz this past Saturday which was the most I had ever done. I was so proud of myself that I cried), it's revolved around watching Lila grow. She has blossomed so much from the tiny 6 lb baby I brought home from the hospital. She had her 4 month appt yesterday and was 13 lbs 5 oz! 7 whole pounds in the past 4 months!! Every day she is bigger and stronger, astounding me with her stubbornness and her desire to do things her body just isn't capable of yet. She also sleeps better than I could have ever dared to hope. She takes a minimum of 4 naps a day and by 8:30 pm is ready for bed. If we pass this time she lets us know. Loudly. Then, on average, she sleeps till 6:30am. Some days it's 5am (like today), other days she'll go till around 7. One memorable day was 8! It's remarkable and I only love her more for it, lol!! She does roadtrips like a champion, and both of my sisters have had the pleasure of riding with her (Kirsty came with us up to PA for my Poppop's birthday) and seeing how well she does (sleeping mostly through the trip and the night). I couldn't ask for a more perfect baby. She is all I have ever wanted and I am amazed at how each day I love her so much more than I did the day before.

I know lots more has happened but, uh, it's been 4 months. And if I say I will make my next post a timeline it will never happen and I'd be scared to update until it did. So how about I put up some pictures and we pretend I'm all caught up? DEAL.

Welcome to the World Lila Quinn, Part 1: The Birth (Or, The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men)

Wow, did I get my 40 week post up just in time or what? First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone for your amazingly kind words of encouragement and congratulations over the past week. They have meant a lot and I am so incredibly blessed to have friends and family like you all in my and Jason's (and now Lila's) lives. It has been both a rough and wonderful few days, so having you all rooting me on has been a big help in making it through. I know you're all dying to hear what's been going on though, so I'll get to it. I'll be splitting this up into two parts: The Birth Story, and The Recovery Story because both are pretty vital and tie in together, as you can imagine. Both also happen to be incredibly long. We'll see how long this takes me to write though, (Lila is currently sleeping in her swing, but she's going to need fed in a few minutes) since as most of you know and the rest of you can imagine, motherhood is rather time consuming.

Monday night after posting my blog I'd had a talk with both Jason and my mom about the Dr's appt I was having on Tuesday. I still wasn't feeling Lila (omg I can call her Lila instead of Bebe now) move how I was accustomed to feeling her (and yes, I know as babies get bigger they move less, but even as late as 4am on Sunday morning I was seeing her limbs kick me and feeling her thrashing, so suddenly only feeling small shifts was a big deal to me) and even though her BPP had come back 8 out of 8 I was still concerned. We'd also noticed this thing in her ultrasound (well, my mom noticed it) and pointed it out as a piece of a three ventricle umbilical cord that was right over her chin. Jason and I decided we'd talk to the Dr about inducing me on Tuesday. I knew that my baby was healthy and alive now, but who knew by Friday if she still would be. And also she hasn't engaged and what little engaging she'd done she'd reversed and was backing up. There was obviously something preventing her and that's what was concerning me.

It also concerned our Dr. He did my cervical check and informed me that even if I wanted him to strip my membranes he wouldn't be able to because she was so high again. And then on the fetal monitors we found some variables in her heart rate whenever I would have a contraction. We all agreed that inducing today would be in her best interest because something was going on that was preventing her from initiating birth herself. Also, my Dr was on call that night (when I went to see him that morning he was at the hospital doing Administrative things, he used to be the Head of Surgery at the hospital and so is there a lot) and I felt far more comfortable with him delivering Lila than anyone else. So I was admitted and spent a few hours down in triage while they found a room for me and put me into the system (they don't normally induce at the hospital until 41 weeks unless there's a medical reason, but considering I was 40 and 5 and showing variables in the heart rate they agreed to admit me). I was sent up to Labor & Delivery and around 1:30pm they started my Pitocin. It definitely wasn't bad at first, and I was able to rest for a bit before my mom arrived. I was just using the bathroom and about to use the birthing ball when the nurse told me to return to bed because Lila was having Deceleration whenever I contracted (her heart rate would dip down) and they were a little concerned. We noticed it happened whenever I stood up or laid on my left side, so I was forced to sit up right in an Indian Style position to keep her steady. That's when my Dr (who still wasn't on call yet, but stopping in every hour to check on me) came in and decided to break my water to get things moving since we really couldn't have her staying in me too much longer. After they broke my water they were monitoring my contractions and asking me how they were and half the time I honestly had no idea I was even having one. Compared to the contractions I had on Saturday night/Sunday morning they were nothing and the look on my Dr's face was definitely one of bewilderment.

But sure enough, they began to get worse. Especially considering the fact that I was forced to sit in one position and couldn't utilize the tub or the ball or even walking to help with the pain, I threw out my desires for an epidural-less birth and resigned myself to not being able to move my legs (my big big fear). Especially since the contractions were one on top of the other with no break in between at this point. They checked me and told me I was 6 cm and I told them just to get me the epidural. Of course the girl who does it gets me in a blood vessel first and not only am I having contractions that I can barely breathe through but I was having this back cramping pain that almost had me crying. Finally she got it in and the contractions began to subside in intensity but, I swear to God, that was the most frustratingly painful moment I have ever been in. My reward for surviving was that I could still move my legs without too much trouble! Yay! It made me feel so much better and I sent most of my time before the push wiggling my toes and shifting my legs just because I could. Of course, it wore off only on my right side a little before delivery and, of course, that happened when laying on my right side (which helped because it forced the medicine into my right side) was causing Lila to have even more Decelerations and I had to lay on my left. Which meant my left side was completely numb and my right side was completely in pain.

At 10pm I was told I was 10cm and we'd begin pushing in a few. Finally! I was going to get my baby! My Dr came in before I started pushing, which surprised the nurse since normally they only come in at the end. But by this point Lila was having pretty bad Decelerations (at one point my heart beat was faster than hers for a second) and even a few Accelerations (she went up to 170s at one time) and he was clearly concerned about it. At 10:30 I started pushing and was very quickly told that I could only push every other contraction to keep Lila from getting too stressed (the combination of my pushing and the contractions wasn't a favorable one). It was then I understood that if I didn't get her out FAST this was going to end in an Emergency C-Section. Whenever I could push my Dr was very emphatically ordering me to push harder and harder and then looking at the monitor intently. It was 4 pushes in when he yelled stop because the head was right there. He pushed it back in slightly and had all the nurses come in and get ready and set me up with a mirror. Another contraction and she was almost out and everyone was ready. Push number 6 and out came her head with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck twice. The Dr tried to loop it off but it was too tight, so he grabbed the clamps and scissors, cut it, and unraveled it before pulling her out the rest of the way and that tiny, quiet second between the removal of the cord and her cry was the most terrifying moment of my life. She was born at 10:56pm.

But then she screamed. And she screamed and she screamed and she screamed. And she peed and voided her bowels all over the Dr. I could hear Jason crying next to me and I was crying and just taking huge gasping breaths because she was HERE and she was BREATHING and I didn't have to worry about Cord Compression (the two most terrifying words in my life right now) anymore. They placed her on a blanket on my chest, rubbed her down and removed the blanket so we could be skin to skin and she was screaming and I was crying and all I know I was talking to her, telling her "it's okay baby, you're safe. you're with me." And that she was only on my chest for a few seconds before she was lifting her head up and flopping it back down. They left her on my chest while the Dr stitched me up, and I tried to breast feed her but she wanted nothing to do with it. Eventually they took her to do all their tests and Jason went with her and the Dr was still stitching me up. I was informed I had a 2nd Degree laceration and several superficial tears. Meaning that I tore down into my muscle and I had to be stitched up layer by layer. They can usually occur from pushing too fast and too hard, like I was doing. If I'd had the luxury of not having to worry about cord compression I would definitely not have pushed so hard and would have given my skin time to stretch. But I didn't. Getting my baby out as quickly and safely trumped whatever damage I incurred along the way. The next morning when our Dr checked on us we asked if he ever considered a c-section and he admitted that at the end it was a definite possibility if pushing had gone on for a long time, but we were fortunate that I didn't make that an issue. He also alluded to the fact that he'd thought when she came out with that tight cord that we'd medical intervention to resuscitate her, but she made that a nonissue too.

Lila got an 8/9 Apgar score, which was amazing considering how tight that cord had been. But we knew at 5 weeks that she was a strong girl with survival instincts, because she held on then and she proved how she'd managed that when she came out strong. They weighed her at 7 lbs 2 oz and measured her at 19.75" and I said "Oh my God, she's so tiny" and the nurse was like "Well, no, not really" before I went on to explain that I thought she'd be 8 lbs and the Dr laughed and admitted that he'd thought the same thing. Eventually they brought us upstairs to Recovery and Jason went with Lila to the nursery while they bathed her. Jason told me later that when they put her on her stomach she lifted her head again and tried to army crawl and the nurse thought it was amazing and hilarious. Not even three hours old and already trying to move on her own. I told you all she was going to be a squirmer! Our family who'd come to the hospital (my mom and Kirsty and Jason's parents) finally got to come up to see her around 3am, but they left shortly after and Jason and I embarked on the most sleepless night we'd ever had. Because who can sleep when you have a baby you have to keep assuring yourself is breathing?

I'll talk more about the fun of a 2nd degree laceration and our foray into the world of breastfeeding that both Lila and I are very interested in accomplishing but are very, very awkwardly and painfully figuring out. I started off this process with a birth plan, like most first-time moms do. The first 5 things on my plan? I did not want to be induced; I wanted to walk and use the bath and birthing ball; I did not want to have to have an epidural; I wanted delayed cord clamping and to wait until it ceased pulsing to clamp and cut it in order for Lila to receive the cord blood; I wanted Jason to cut the cord. All of those things went completely out the window. And you know what? I didn't miss them at all. I discovered that I didn't need an ideal birth experience, I didn't need a plan. I just needed my baby, and I needed her healthy. I don't for one second feel disappointed or sad about my birth experience, that it wasn't what I'd wanted and envisioned. Because the lead up to the birth isn't the important part, I've realized. The important part is right here in my arms sleeping. Tuesday was by far the most terrifying, heart wrenching, painful, beautiful, miraculous, and sweetest moment of my life. I'm a mommy now, and I'll never be the same.

40 wks (4ds)

I really didn't want to write this post. Really. If that wasn't evident by my avoiding it for 4 days. There's something seriously depressing about going over your due date (and I'm sure most women who have can attest), so on Thursday all I wanted to do was curl up and hormonally cry over the fact that everyone in the world was having a baby except for me. Jason ended up coming home from work early because every time he talked to me I was just sobbing because, oh my god, I am so tired and uncomfortable. But then I talked to my sister and mom and they decided to come up Friday to spend the weekend with me and I definitely cheered up after that. Well, I cheered up till Friday when I had my Dr's appointment, at least. I knew going to my 40wk appointment would just make me upset, because I was warned at my 39wk appt that at the 40wk one we would set an induction date. Joy of joys. And when I had my cervical check and was told that I am still 2cm. and 70% effaced after 4 weeks? Yeah, I'm surprised I didn't break down into hormone fueled tears of frustration. We set an induction date for Friday, January 20 which would put me at 41wks 1d. He's definitely trying to give me time to go on my own, but without letting me go for too long. He even double checked all my ultrasound measurements from 7, 8 and 11 wks to make sure he wasn't shorting me out of time. THen on Tuesday while he's working at Winnie Palmer he wants me to go to Triage so he can check me out and strip my membranes and hopefully send me into labor for Tuesday (since he said he'd really like to deliver my baby himself if we can urge my body to comply). It's good, I know. But there's something about being pregnant for what feels like 2 years at this point (no, seriously, over a year of trying? over 9 months of being pregnant? It's felt like the 2+ year long pregnancy) that makes you go "Just get her out of me now and to hell with whatever pregnancy plan I had."

This all came to a head on Sunday, for me. Friday mom and Kirsty got here and we went to Target (where I got an Exercise Ball and OH DEAR GOD, if you are pregnant and do not have one GET ONE. This is the most amazing thing that has happened to my pregnancy and how did I do over 40 wks without it?!) and out to eat for lunch and then to the movies (Beauty and the Beast in 3D!) and out to dinner again! Then on Saturday we walked and walked and walked that afternoon before going to Babies 'R' Us and the grocery store. Jason made an awesome dinner while I bounced around on my new exercise ball and then all the girls went out for a long walk since I started having those annoying stronger-than-BH-contractions-but-it's-not-labor-contractions and we wanted to encourage them. At home Jason made us pineapple smoothies and I sat on my ball more and the contractions definitely got worse to the point where I had to breathe through them (but I refused to time them because I was still convinced they weren't real). After a shower and letting my mom rub my back I went to bed around 10 because I was just exhausted. The contractions woke me up off and one while I was sleeping and finally around 12:50am I started timing them. At 3am Jason and I were both up and they were between 3-5 min apart, lasting for around a minute each, and they definitely hurt because I stopped talking and would just have to put my head down and breathe. but it didn't feel like it hurt ENOUGH for them to count (even though they persisted whether I was sitting, standing, walking, laying down, eating, drinking or showering). So we woke up my mom who hung out with us for a couple hours to monitor me and - sure enough - they began to start wavering in intensity, length and time between. So i went to bed again at 5am and they totally stopped. I woke up on Sunday and was SO FRUSTRATED that I could do nothing but cry. Again. Guys I swear this past week has been nothing but me crying over "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? D:" But Jason made pancakes and my mom and sister were encouraging.

However, at around noon I realized that I hadn't felt my normally very active baby move in about 8 hours. Not after pancakes, not after a small cup of coffee, nothing. So my mom encouraged Jason and I to go over to Winnie just to check her out and maybe I'd get some answers as to why I'm having Labor Fools Day jokes played on me. The triage at Winnie was super nice and helpful and we found Bebe's heartrate to be strong and ranging from high 130s to low 150s. And then the nurse checked my cervix and found... nothing. 2 cm. and 70% effaced. Baby had actually moved UP from a -1 station to a -3 station. But when she brought in the portable ultrasound machine to ensure baby's head was down she saw that it wasn't in the right position, meaning it wasn't over my cervix so no wonder my cervix is doing shit. After that the Dr on call ordered a BPP (Bio-Physical Profile) to assess the baby's condition in the womb and make sure she has enough fluid and isn't in distress and try to make her move. THe tech got 3 movements after prodding her and she passed with an 8 out of 8 - meaning she's doing just peachy, thankfully. Her whole body is curled along my right side with her feet on my left which is why she's still jabbing me with her feet (when she isn't terrifying me by not moving). Because there was no cause for concern they sent us home. Which, at that point, was kind of bittersweet. Yes, it's much better to not have to be induced, but after that 12-5am stint the night before I was so discouraged and so tired and so frustrated that I half wanted to sterilize a crochet needle and break my water myself just to finally get this over with. Based on the info we got from the hospital, my mom and Kirsty left that night and will return when I eventually have the baby. If it doesn't happen Tuesday after my appt, it will be Friday. And it's nice just to have an End Date, because it reminds me that I won't be pregnant forever, even though I feel like it. (NOTE: the u/s pic is her looking at you. It's so weird and alien, I know).

Today I am feeling better. Mostly because I have discovered the term "Prodromal Labor" and feel like I'm not crazy, finally. Because what I've been experiencing intermittently since 37wks isn't Braxton Hicks. I have had BH contractions I could feel since my 2nd trimester, and I have them constantly in between these Prodromal Labor episodes. These contractions are painful, they are regular, and they do not stop when I change activity or eat and drink. These contractions last for hours and then... stop. And these contractions make me feel like I am slowly losing my mind. THIS blog states that: "I've got a feeling that more often than not, its caused by the baby's position. It's like the body needs to use those contractions to align the baby's head just right. A positioning tool!" which, after hearing that her head isn't in the ideal spot, has made a lot of sense for me and doesn't make me want to call the entire experience "fake" because even though it's done shit to help my cervix, maybe it's actually helping something. Then I found THIS blog with lots of stories from moms who have dealt with Prodromal Labor like mine, where it goes on for WEEKS and HOURS at a time. It's done a lot to help me feel not so completely discouraged. Because Prodromal Labor is apparently notorious for not just being physically exhausting (you're up for hours timing contractions that just STOP) but for being mentally and emotionally draining as well. It's disheartening and discouraging and makes you feel like something is wrong with you because why won't your body push this into Active Labor? So today is a much better day. There's a name for what I'm going through, so I'm not alone. And Tuesday may give me some more answers. And, if not? By Friday night, come hell or high water, I WILL be holding my baby.

And, for the record, yes. I have tried what got me into this, walking, pineapple, spicy food, raspberry leaf tea, etc, etc, ad nauseum. I am not doing castor oil because the risk of an in uterine bowel movement terrifies me (and everyone I know who has done it has still not had success), and I have not done Evening Primrose Oil because it just weirds me out, I've used enough vaginal suppositories this pregnancy. I have lost my Mucus Plug and had the "bloody show" but that was a week ago so I am sure it has grown back by now. I've also had other, much grosser, symptoms I won't elaborate on but apparently it's a sign of labor. Though that is usually accompanied by a Prodromal Labor session so now it does not excite me anymore. Trust me. I have looked up every way to induce labor short of accupuncture. My mom and sister were even doing the pressure point massages this weekend, lol! Basically, whatever kept her hanging on at 5wks is keeping her hanging on now, so I can't blame her too much.

And how is our little procrastinator doing this week? According to the BPP, very well! I forgot to ask the tech how big she looked, but according to my Dr's rough estimate he guesses between 7.5 to 8 lbs. God only knows how big she'll be on Friday. My poor lady parts. Anyways, this is about the size of a small pumpkin. Yes. A pumpkin. BabyCenter has run out of information to give me about development since she's pretty much all developed in there. Her skull plates aren't fused together so they can overlap and fit through the birth canal. I'll be able to call her "my little conehead" or something. I'm sure she'll love the nickname.

39 wks (1d)

So I'm 39 weeks. Still pregnant. I was really hoping that I'd have her today, since it's my Grandma's (her Great-Grandma) birthday today and it would have been really really special for them to share that. But alas! I don't think that's going to happen unless labor starts like, right now. I had my 39wk Dr's appt yesterday and it went alright. I lost 2 lbs from the Christmas gain and am now +26 lbs., which is excellent. Measuring 37cm., FHR is in the 130's. But I haven't made any cervical progress since 2 weeks ago. About 50% effaced (not 60), she's now in a -2 station instead of a -1. The only upward movement was that the Dr was able to manually move me from 1cm to 2cm (and in the process my mom is relatively sure she stripped my membranes). But I still feel like all these contractions and all this effort I've been doing this past week (if there's a way to try and induce labor I've tried it - excluding EPO and Castor Oil) have been for naught because just NOTHING. UGH. It's so frustrating. Last night I was having slightly stronger contractions from the rest of the week (save Friday) but very irregular. So I had about 3 mugs of Raspberry Leaf tea and walked the block twice with my wonderful Mother-in-Law who braved the cold with me. I was super crampy around 11-midnight (likely from my cervical check/membrane strip) and at 2:30am I started having a constant pressure in my pelvic area that felt like I was about to get my period. Not painful, just uncomfortable. This morning I'm having some contractions about 7-9 min apart, but I don't think they're super powerful. They make me stop and catch my breath, yeah, but nothing that makes me want to cry.

It's been a weird week, because most of this week I was actually hoping Bebe WOULDN'T come. Jason came down with the ear infection from HELL. The whole thing is swollen up and it's really affecting the nerve in his ear which causes a pain like someone twisting a knife in his ear. He saw an urgent care specialist who gave him antibiotics, drops and pain meds but after 2 days they weren't helping and he was feeling worse so his mom came up to help us out. Basically, he needed to be on those meds and if I went into labor? We'd be a little screwed, lol! So she drove us to all our Dr's appts yesterday, starting with Jason's ENT appt. The ENT Dr gave Jason stronger antibiotics, vicodin, and better ear drops (since the other drops actually made his ear swell MORE) and I can DEFINITELY tell there's a difference in him with the new meds. Today he has an appt with a new Dr he's trying out for a regular Dr and will hopefully get his TDAP vaccine! Also hopefully he keeps continuing to feel better because I really really want this baby out and I want him to not be in pain as well during it. Oh, and also because I love him and hate when he's hurting.

As for Bebe! She's 39 wks too. She's about 20 inches and weighs a little over 7 lbs (about the size of a mini-watermelon. OH JOY). She's still building up fat, and her brain is developing so at this rate she's going to be a genius. Her outer skin is starting to slough off to make room for new skin, and she's swallowing all of that stuff too. Hope you enjoy changing that diaper, Jason!

38 wks (2ds)

So I'm trying to make this some semblance of not laughably late, since last night I was having contractions that got to about 6 minutes apart. And then I decided to go to bed and rest and woke up this morning to only the random intermittent contraction. That was annoying. Sleep really does ruin everything! Anyways, I'll take my unfortunate lack of labor as my cue to update my blog and FINALLY post my nursery reveal pictures. Aren't you all lucky? Thursday, the day I turned 38 weeks and this blog was due, Jason and I decided to walk me around Epcot to help convince Bebe to keep on swimming and follow the light. I did make a whole World Showcase loop, because I'm fantastic. Jason wouldn't let me buy Pumpkin Spice Funnel Cake though and for SOME reason China doesn't sell Spring Rolls (which I love) only Egg Rolls (which I do not love) so my only real excitement at this entire endeavor was that I got to eat a ham & cheese croissant from France. Which was amazing. That night Jason had promised to make me funnel cake but he wussed out (okay, really, I told him he didn't have to because he looked tired. He just should have let me get the funnel cake in America). So instead I decided to experiment with Jump Start Your Labor Cookies. Oh. My. God. Are they the spiciest devil cookies I have ever eaten in my life. Jason had one and claimed he could breathe fire. I ate 9 with 3 glasses of milk. I don't even LIKE drinking milk! But, interestingly enough, I started having some mild contractions when I went to bed that night. About every 10-15 min. THen when I woke up they were around every 8-9 min. We went to the Dr but no cervical check this week, he did however feel me having a contraction when he did my belly check and laughed and said he'd be surprised if I made it to next weeks appointment. After the Dr's Jason and I went to the mall and walked a bit and I found a take home outfit (FINALLY) and another batch of hangers and a mirror for Bebe's nursery. I was miserable by the time we got home and at 7 min apart. Jason and I finished Bebe's nursery (pics to follow, I swear), I did a load of laundry, ate, and then had a couple more cookies before taking a nap. I woke up to contractions 6 min apart! That's when we got super excited. But then they fell to 9 for a bit before coming back up to 6. I had a headache at this point so I went to bed and woke up to... no contractions. Okay, intermittent ones. But I haven't had one in awhile now. Maybe I should eat more cookies. Likely after Jason and I take the scenic walking tour through every neighborhood in our development.

Bebe is 38 weeks now, she's plumped up to about 6.8 lbs. and is around 19.5 inches long (imagine a leek). She's apparently putting on a lot of weigh, but not as much as Mommy who put on 6 lbs. this week. Thanks Christmas. You're a bitch. I'm at +28 lbs though which is still in a good range so all my Dr did was laugh at me. According to development websites, Bebe now has a firm grasp, which I was HOPING to feel today but she's being difficult. She needs to listen to her parents.

But, as promised, Nursery reveal! We're still getting a fan, but it isn't a "must have before she's here" item. Or, I have convinced myself it is not because Jason will need his dad's help to install it and that wouldn't happen until after she's here anyways.

The painting process and prep work. Jason worked so hard!:

The final, decorated, finished product. The shelf and curtain rod Jason refurbished and painted for her:

Her bathroom. I did not need any Jason assistance to put this together: